Having spent the last five days immersed in a regime of training, games and academy football, I now feel fully qualified to comment on the issues of the day from an insider’s point of view. Yes, FIFA 17 is merely a computer game and I’m a deluded fantasist but you’ll pry that controller (and the memory of the knee slide I performed across my own living room carpet after scoring on debut) from my cold, dead corpse.
Four draws in the last four games would be a pretty good result if I were the manager of Real Madrid. Thankfully for Madridistas across the globe, Zinedine Zidane is the current incumbent and apparently quite annoyed that his team are playing with a lack of intensity and concentration, leading to goals being conceded and Los Blancos finding themselves in the unusual situation of chasing the game. Luka Modric and Casemiro’s injuries aren’t exactly helping things, either.
That’s all very sensible and the kind of thing the media lap up, but let’s drill down into the real facts, shall we? Am I the only person who thinks Karim Benzema is, to use one of my favourite football euphemisms, ‘carrying a bit of timber’? Quite frankly, the Benz hasn’t looked on top form for some months now and with the verdict over his court case involving France teammate Mathiu Valbuena looming, it’s obvious that he’s had other things on his mind of late. It’s difficult to see how the situation will improve in the short term either, what with the inevitable media storm that will hit the club regardless of the verdict. Maybe Zizou should think about making a call on him?
Never one to stay under the radar when there’s a bitchface to cast in someone’s general direction, Cristiano has been hurling shade at his gaffer with increasing intensity lately. Less than two months ago, Crisps was hailing Zidane’s appointment as “the catalyst for one of the best seasons” of his career, but we’ve all read the translations of the remarks he apparently uttered after his substitution vs. Las Palmas and subsequent reports suggest their current relationship is more “unstoppable force meets an immovable object.”
Having seen what the unstoppable force of Zidane’s pate can do to a professional athlete, our man in orange might be wise to make alternative arrangements.
Although acting as ballboy for Pozuelo might be a touch hasty.
Cristiano Jr might have scored on debut, but he’s not the story of the week when it comes to ludicrously small people making an impact in the world of football. Karamoko Dembele made his debut for Celtic’s U-20 development side last night, despite being born in 2003.
According to reports, he didn’t look out of place among his teammates, which is both troubling and deeply disappointing for those of us holding out faint hope of a football career despite needing a sit down after running up the stairs.
I was going to go all medieval on Sparta Prague goalkeeper Tomas Koubek’s arse after reading his application to the Richard Keys Academy of Inclusivity in Football, but quite frankly, I can’t be bothered. Telling a woman that she belongs in the kitchen, the stove, the sink or the bedroom is such an tired, tedious insult it must have some sort of statute of limitations applied to it.
Seriously, guys. If you’ve got a problem with women in the game, be more proactive. Organise a match between some helpless lady footballers, you and a few of your mates, publicise it and we’ll all come along and watch you get kicked around the pitch for a bit. Then we can all go for a nice drink and laugh about how dim your remarks actually are.
No? Thought not.