We should probably preface this with the fact that we’re going to be pretty biased. Are there any neutrals supporting Portugal at all? Ever? Almost everyone else’s previews are out, as are the bookies’ odds (France has the edge, surprise surprise), and you can read all about how Portugal and France have incredible striking power, but it’s going to really be a test of two of the best midfields in the tournament.
We’re previewing hair. And players, I guess, but mostly hair.
Let’s start with Cristiano. His newly shaved-in stripes have made him more aerodynamic and also apparently help him levitate: his jumping header took him 2 feet and 6 inches into the air. As ESPN helpfully, and oh so passive aggressively, pointed out, Cristiano is arguably the world’s best player, but definitely the world’s best paid player. We outsourced our research about what makes Cristiano the best (paid) player and have determined it’s probably Suavecito strong hold pomade and hairspray.
We’re willing to bet he shares it with Nani, given they’ve both had incredible runs (literally) and goals this tournament.
They probably don’t share any with Renato Sanches, because he doesn’t seem to need any pomade to play as well as he has. He’s without a doubt the shining star on the Portugal team and will be one of the most exciting additions to Bayern in the coming season.
Portugal has talent (and hair), but is it enough to bring France within a hair’s breadth of destruction?
Spoiler alert: non. Probably.
Look, France is a beautiful team made up of players with beautiful hair who spend a lot of time being beautiful with each other (and probably shaving each others’ heads between games). They’ve had shaky games this tournament, but as a team, they gel a lot than Portugal and it shows.
It’ll be exciting to watch Dimitri Payet, Paul Pogba, and Antoine Griezmann carve open the pitch on Sunday, and it’ll be even more interesting to see how Kingsley Coman does if and when he comes on. Olivier Giroud’s beard is at least a tiny bit magical, even if it doesn’t help him come to terms with the fact that he’s probably not as fast as he thinks he is. France’s defence, called into question for some pretty egregious mistakes finally showed their strength against Germany. Samuel Umtiti, and his beautiful sculpted ‘do, has made Lyon and Barcelona proud with his most recent performance. Patrice Evra has become a father figure to the rest of the French team, and if a defensive performance from them is built around him, France have very little to worry about.
Oh, and our calculations tell us that, on aggregate, France have more shaved bits in their hair, which means they’ll be more aerodynamic. They’ll win with two headers to Portugal’s one.
