The transfer window has slammed shut and for once, Sky Sports feigned hysteria was justified.
Well, I say justified. Why news organisations are surprised that Premier League spending broke the £1bn barrier with hours to spare when each club has an additional £80-100m cash money from TV rights this season, I don’t know, but one should never underestimate the power of lazy journalism. I know I don’t.
Notable stories included Jack Wilshere preferring Bournemouth to AC Milan, Joe Hart taking his dandruff-less but retreating hairline to Turin and both Paul Pogba and David Luiz returning to their Premier League pre-schools for £89.3m and £38m respectively.
But while the benefits of chucking money at Mino Raiola are clear, the thinking behind the decision to drag Luiz back across the channel smack more of emotion than sense. While we neutrals love his habit of marauding into the midfield leaving vast hinterlands of space for the opposition to occupy, passionate performances and occasional glory goals from 30 yards, he doesn’t strike one as an Antonio Conte style player. Indeed, several news outlets have reported that the driving force behind the move was owner Roman Abramovich, with Conte merely agreeing to accommodate him.
Abramovich’s fantasy football purchases have proven a little ‘hit and miss’ in the past, so it’ll be a testament to Conte’s ability to manage if he can make a success of the move.
We, like Chelsea fans, must simply wait and see.
Unless you have the misfortune to be intimately acquainted with the British press, you might not be familiar with the work of Emmanual Frimpong. Allow me to brighten your day.
Having begun his career with Arsenal at nine, he broke into the first team at 19, but a combination of injury and disciplinary issues saw him bundled out on loan to a series of lower league sides before signing a three year contract with FC Ufa of the Russian Premier League in 2014. He received a two match ban for making an ‘obscene gesture’ at a fan who allegedly provoked him with racial abuse, was released from his contract earlier this year and signed for Arsenal Tula, also of the RPL, last month.
But that’s the boring stuff. The Frim is better known in the UK for promoting his clothing line, Dench, which basically consisted of shouting ‘STAY DENCH!’ at the internet every 20 seconds and culminated in the greatest moment England has experienced since winning the World Cup. (see above).
Despite the distance, The Frim is never far from our thoughts and earlier this week he was back on the hard sell. He appeared off the bench to debut for his new club, shirt emblazoned with his brand instead of his name. That’s Dench in Cyrillic.
Sadly, he wasn’t fit and was hauled off twenty minutes later, but not before amusing everyone with the notion that some poor bugger in the kit department spent a portion of their day translating the surname of one of Britain’s most respected actresses for reasons they will never begin to fathom.
Never change, Frimmy.
It’s surprisingly difficult to frame a story about Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s face being all over a man’s helmet without provoking hysterical cackling at the back of the class, so I’m simply going to rise above it and plough on with all the dignity I can muster.
Vancouver Canucks keeper Jakob Markstrom was so inspired by the Swedish monolith’s career that he asked artist David of Dave Art to personalise his ice hockey helmet with images of Zlatan’s phizog, and it’s so awesome it would be rude not to admire it.
It’s also rude to snigger, so if you lot don’t shut up, your Unusual Efforts hall passes will revoked for a week.
I’m watching you.