The Princesses of the Pitch

The people, and when I say people the wonderful twitter world of Unusual Efforts, wanted a Disney princess starting XI, which is fair; most of the people reading this are socially deprived millennials mid-pandemic and we want to put some sparkle on things. And what is a better way to let things sparkle than a princess starting XI?

Here is my starting XI for Disney Princess FC:

Mulan and Merida up top. 

Mulan will be the captain and furthest forward striker. She can smash balls in the back of the net with the accuracy of aiming a cannon at a snow-capped peak. She is the only woman in a camp full of misogynistic men, which means you cannot intimidate this captain. She will also stand up to any ref like they are Shan Yu leading the Hun army. Much like her Chinese counterpart Wang Shuang scoring the goal to win the game that ended the USA’s 104 game winning streak, statistics don’t mean much to her. She’ll do whatever she needs to bring her team to victory. And when Mulan and Shuang play together, it’s like fireworks lighting up the sky. Mulan and her husband Shang have one child and lift weights together daily.

Merida is a headstrong player who still has a lot to learn. She uses her skills with a bow and arrow to strike the ball with lethal accuracy. She can dribble her way around every bear-like defender. She resembles her fellow Scotswoman Erin Cuthbert, who has 13 goals in 36 appearances for the national team, and is still just a mere 21 years old. With these two on the team, Scotland has a bright future. Merida says she doesn’t have time for a boyfriend and really wishes the media would stop asking her about one. 

The middle is made up of Tiana, Elsa, Rapunzel, and Anna. 

Elsa plays on the left wing, and Anna on the right. Rapunzel is in the middle, with Tiana as the defensive mid.

Elsa, our left winger, with a lightning-quick pace that makes opponents look like they are frozen in their tracks. She trains in sub-zero conditions, which means when the rest of the team is cold and tired, Elsa can keep going no matter what. She models herself after Pernille Harder, Denmark’s national team captain. Elsa lives with her girlfriend Honeymaren, and they like to play with their five dogs and go on morning runs together. 

Anna plays on the right, creating a magic-like bridge on the pitch with her sister Elsa. Anna is a little naive and sometimes will get tricked by the opposing defenders. She is crazy fast, much like her sister; it must run in the family. She also has a heart of gold, and really tries to make the rest of her teammates happy. Just like fellow Dane Emme Snerle, she is an up and comer, so we really don’t know how far she will go yet. Denmark is hopeful that the sisters can perform just as well together for their national team as they do for their club. Anna lives with her boyfriend Kristoff, who is always the loudest supporter in the section at every match.

Rapunzel plays central midfield and has a magic-like touch on the ball. She had a bad coach in the past who isolated her from the team and tried to steal her moves, but luckily Rapunzel was smart enough to recognize this and moved clubs. Her moves can’t be stolen anyway, so the coach was trying in vain. She loves playing on the German national team alongside Dzsenifer Marozsán; the two of them in the midfield are a deadly weapon. Rapunzel lives with her boyfriend Flynn, and they practice together regularly. 

Tiana is the hardest worker on the team. She never fails to get back when she needs to on defense, and her ability to tackle in midfield makes her the most valuable and most underrated player on the team. She does have a hard time winding down at the end of the day and tries to practice too much, but her teammates have finally shown her it is okay to take a break every once in a while. She is challenging Julie Ertz for her starting spot on the United States national team as the holding midfielder, and only time will tell if she can beat her out. Tiana lives with her husband, Prince Naveen, who abdicated his throne to be with Tiana no matter where she is. They have one child together, and Naveen runs their restaurant in New Orleans, although Tiana still writes all the recipes. 

The backline consists of Moana and Jasmine as the starting centerbacks, Pocahontas as the rightback, and Ariel at leftback.

Jasmine is the leader of the defense. She commands the backline like she is ruling a kingdom. Her dad tried to get her to sign for a club on a long term deal very young in her career, but Jasmine could not be persuaded until she found the right club for her. Jasmine is part of the Syrian women’s national team and loves playing alongside co-captain Manar Mounther. Jasmine and Mounther are working toward their first World Cup appearance with their national team. Jasmine is married to her husband Aladdin, and together they run a youth academy for kids who can’t afford to pay club fees. 

Moana is the team’s youngest player and is already making her presence known on the pitch. She is one of the strongest players, which she attributes to her upbringing on an island and constantly sailing boats. In fact, she was so good, her home country tried to get her to join the sailing team to compete in the Olympics, but she could not be persuaded. She currently plays for the Fiji national team, who have not seen much success, and have yet to qualify for a World Cup. She hopes with fellow youngster Ledua Senisea to create a stronger defense for the national team. She currently still lives with her parents and kindly asks the media to stop asking her about boyfriends, because she is very young and still discovering her own sexuality.

Pocahontas plays on the right, and her pace allows her to push up on offense, and then make recovery runs like nobody’s business. Pocahontas is very protective of her team and their tactics. She has been on too many teams where people come in only to take their ideas, use them in men’s teams, and then never give credit to the women who created the ideas in the first place. Pocahontas lives on a reservation with her family, and refuses to play for the national team until there is equal pay and US soccer addresses their racist practices in youth development. During international breaks, she helps people start youth academies on reservations so that one day they can have their own national team.

The last outfield player is Ariel, probably the weakest player of the starting XI. She loses focus a lot, is constantly getting yelled at by Jasmine. However, when she is tuned in, she is able to make beautiful passes up the pitch to Elsa. She is very shy when she talks to the press, and it took four seasons before she could speak at all. She loves playing with Norway teammate Maria Thorisdottir and says that she learns a lot during call ups. She lives with her boyfriend Eric, and their large animal aquarium collection. They seem closest to their fish and crab. 

Jessie is the starting goalkeeper for Princess FC. It was a controversial signing, as many say she isn’t a true princess, and therefore should not be allowed to play for the team. However, her quickness in goal and ability to completely focus on the game proved all the haters wrong. Her teammates say she is your typical super loud American, but she also has a heart of gold, and she is always there to be a shoulder to cry on. She doesn’t play for the USWNT, which isn’t too surprising since in recent years the national team has used the same accident-prone goalie and refuses to call up new keepers to create competition. Jessie lives in Virginia with her astronaut boyfriend Buzz. They don’t plan on having children because they’re both career-focused, but they do love their dog Slinky. 

And on the bench for Princess FC:

Aurora is the backup goalkeeper. She has had to overcome a lot to play football. She has an ongoing battle with narcolepsy, which can sometimes be detrimental in goal. She lives with her three polyamorous godmothers and husband Philip, who is the only one who can wake her up during a narcoleptic episode.  She does not play for the French national team because of her condition. 

Cinderella is the back-up defender. She’s a very hard worker, who is great on and off the ball. She has the skills to be a starter, but she doesn’t do well with time changes. If she is playing a game past midnight in her home country of France, she runs off the pitch to go home. Cinderella is Wendie Renard’s backup for the national team. Cinderella married her husband Charming after they danced together twice at a nightclub in Paris. 

The backup midfielder is Snow White. She is light on her feet, and is able to nutmeg just about anyone. She loved practicing with her seven uncles, and they always pushed her on her dribbling skills. Snow attributes her skills to coaching from her uncles. She is Alexandra Popp’s back-up. She and her uncles are all active volunteers for the German men’s and women’s Special Olympics teams.

Belle is the back-up forward. She used to be a starter, but as she has gotten older and lost some pace, she had to transition. She is able to study a game from the bench so well that she is a lethal weapon when she does come on. She is a very strong attacker, because of the year she took off to train with a mythical beast and magical dishware in a castle. Belle was the starting striker for France before Eugénie Le Sommer came onto the scene. She lives with her husband Adam, who is the calmest of all the partners on the team, and is generally there to get male partners of players to back down when they try to display their hypermasculinity in the crowd. 

The team would not play as a unit without their fearless manager Jane. Jane is one of the smartest managers in the game right now. She has studied the game for so long, and she really does listen to what her players and assistant managers have something to say. She is a calm presence in her technical area, and players say that they can go to her for anything. 

Lilo is an up and coming star who plays for Junior Princess FC, in the Princess FC development program. She is an occasional back-up when Belle is injured. She hopes to follow in Mulan’s footsteps to become the starting striker. 

Princess FC are currently leading the title race in the Animation League, and thus will qualify for the Pop Culture Champions League next season. 

Animation League Standings

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